my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].