shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
You Might Also Like
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?