I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America