ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok