It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.