“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…