Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”