If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit