It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]