how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”