Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.