NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here