Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t