we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I only say stupid things when I talk.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Awwwww shit.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do