When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe