My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.