Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.