Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.