My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february