ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.