If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice