Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs