Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Straight people are cancelled
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
what could possibly go wrong?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?