I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You Might Also Like
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
All is fair in drunk and war.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough