Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I don’t think my car can fly
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*