[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.