My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.