COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.