My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Never ghost your hitman.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.