I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*