Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.