“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.