i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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buys donuts instead
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane