*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive