*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
the simulation is moving too fast
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
me doing my best
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo