Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*seductively eats two tums*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
hmmm
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon