gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
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Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I put the p in pants.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.