I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
🤔😂😂
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive