If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
That time Alicia messaged me
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”