My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!