BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
And bowling should be called pinball
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.