Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.