If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut