Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?