It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Lol.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.