i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
i baked you a cake
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
#have a #great #PancakeDay
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.