[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
brian had himself a morning…
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
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No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄