*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
So true for me
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
S M O L
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.