Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping