Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.